I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
