Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
