I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
