the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
