Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
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