Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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