will power is for people who don't want to get laid
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
