Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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