I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
