I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
