Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
