my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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