somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
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