I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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