he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
