speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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