allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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