So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I think a kid would responsible me up
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
