this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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