I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
