Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Randomize
