I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
