I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
