I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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