I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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