Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
