I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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