i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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