Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
