her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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