It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
