I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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