he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
