so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
