omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
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