Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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