Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
