there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
