So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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