Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
