Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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