The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Randomize
