Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
