My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She even gives head with a lisp.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Randomize
