i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
