11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
