DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
thus making me awesome and them whores
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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