I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
