the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
The Olympian is in my bed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
