I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
